A Kiss full of Promise
by Thecastlefan101
Summary: When Beckett explains to Castle that she has walls inside that practically shut him and everyone out Castle can't help himself. He needs to kiss her to reassure himself that he's not crazy and that he does feel the connection between them.
1. Chapter 1

She's nervous. It's been three months since she's seen him and she knows he's going to be mad but as long as he forgives her she'll be satisfied. It'll be even better if he wants to come back if he wants to help her finish this case. Put it to rest so she can finally heal, move on, and live her life.

So she walks into the building and stands in line. She has his book in her hand and she gets a sense of déjà vu because this is the building were she got her first book signed. She smiles at the memory.

* * *

_It was a cold winter day in February. It was the fourth to be exact. Her mothers birthday and she couldnt help but cry this morning when she left. She's supposed to be meeting her dad for coffee later that day but she might not make it because the line is taking longer than usual. She has In the Hail of Bullets clutched in her hand. She hasn't put it down since she first bought it. _

_It's her favorite book. It did exactly what she wanted. It distracted her but it did so much more. It gave her a place she could escape into a place that helped her forget. It was like home when she missed her mother and when her father was drinking. Which he would most likely start doing if she didn't show up soon. _

_Slowly the line began picking up pace and she thought she wouldn't be more than ten minutes late. _

_She was next in line and she couldn't contain her excitement. When she stepped up next in line he smiled brightly at her. Then he leaned in and whispered, "you're by far the prettiest girl to come in here today."_

_Whoa...did he?...no he didn't...he did! Richard Castle just called her pretty. _

_"Who am I making this out to?" He asked tilting his head to the side. _

_"Uh...Johanna. Johanna please."_

"_Is that your name?" He asked writing in the book. _

_"No my mother why?"_

_"What is it?"_

_"Kate."_

_He was writing extra on the next page but from where she was standing she couldn't see what. _

_"Here you go Kate." He held the book out to her instead of sliding it across the table. When their hands touched he spoke again. "Whatever's wrong you'll get through it. You'll be okay."_

_Before she could ask what he meant she was being ushered out of the way by a security. _

_Back in her car she read what he had written. _

_"__**To Johanna,**_

_**Your daughter is incredibly gorgeous and I'm honored to have met her. **_

_**"To Kate,**_

_**Don't let the storm stop you from going outside. Make it the reason you dance in the rain."**_

_**Sincerely,**_

_**Rick Castle **_

_When she checked the mirror she realized that her mascara had ran when she was crying earlier. That's why he said that. _

* * *

So here she is next in line. His head is down, he's not as happy as she is use to seeing him at these. And she hates it because she knows she's the cause of his brooding. His eyes aren't sparkling and he's giving his fans fake smiles.

It's her turn and he doesn't even look up at her.

"And who should I make it out to?" No enthusiasm, no excitement, just pain.

"Kate," he looks up at her with the fake smile. Then it registers. His smile fades. "You can make it out to Kate."

He looking at her with such disbelief not because she's there but because she's there asking him to sign a book for her after she completely cut him off. How dare she?

He doesn't say a word to her he just slides the book back over to her and looked away. She quickly took the hint and left.

She's waiting outside for him still tightly clutching at another one of his books. He comes out and walks past her like she doesn't even exist. But he saw her standing there and the expression on his face was nothing but hurt and disgust.

"Castle wait."

"I did. Three months. You never called." He didn't turn around he didn't even stop walking.

"Look, I know you're angry..."

"You're damn right I'm angry. I watched you die in that ambulance. Did you know that? You know ehat that's like, watching the life drain out of someone you..." He paused. No he wasn't going to say it again, not if it meant he was just going to get hurt in the process. "Someone you care about?"

"I told you I needed some time."

"You said a few days."

"I needed more."

"Well you should have said that," he said turning to leave.

"Castle look I couldn't call you. Not without dragging myself through everything I was just trying to get some space from. I needed some time to just work through everything."

"Josh help you with that?" Irrelevant seeing as how she didn't remember but it was almost everything to him.

She had to fight rolling her eyes. "We broke up." She turned and crossed the street into a park.

'_He loves you he will follow. Please follow me Castle I'm not ready for this to end. I can't lose you. Follow me please.' She thought. 'He's gonna follow he's gonna follow he's gonna follow.'_

They were on the swings sitting silently for a moment. She noticed him checking his watch constantly like he was wasting his time being with her right now.

"I like the dedication," she finally broke the silence.

"Seemed right."

"It must've been hard writing that ending."

"Yeah. Yeah, given the circumstances, yeah."

"So why'd you guys break up?" The inevitable question.

"I really really likes him. But that wasn't enough."

Hope. She saw hope glimmer in his eyes and then she realized she wants to be with this man. She wants to give it a chance. But there's something in her way.

"After my mother was killed something inside me changed. It's like a built up a wall inside. I don't know I guess I just didn't wanna hurt like that again." She turned to face him but he was still staring straight ahead. "I know I'm not gonna be able to be the kind of person that I wanna to be. I know I'm not gonna," she paused and he turned to face her. "I'm not gonna be able to have the kind of relationship that I want until that wall comes down. And that's not gonna happen until I put this thing to rest."

She was waiting for him to respond. She wasn't sure about what to expect but she hoped that he understood.

"Well I suppose we're gonna have to find these guys and take 'em down." She smiled and bit the inside of her lip to keep it from spreading into laughter. "Doesn't mean I'm not still mad."

"The boys told me about what you did, following the money trail. Trying to track down who the cops paid off."

"I just wish it led somewhere. I mean, I located the files. When the bank closed, they took all the dead account paperwork and stored it in a warehouse in Union City. But a couple years after the move a fire broke out and the files were destroyed. It's just another dead end."

"How'd it happen?"

"It was an accident it was old wiring."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, there was an investigation."

"Well did you see the report from the fire investigator?"

"No. But," he looked at her unbelievingly. "Really a warehouse fire? Seems an awful lot of trouble just for a couple of files."

"That's no more trouble than they've already gone through. I mean we have to read that report. But there's just this one problem."

She's hoping that this is going to work because if it does it means they're back to their old selves again. It means she has her partner back.

"What?"

"How are you gonna help if Gates kicked you out?" She asked playfully.

"I only let her kick me out because there was no reason to stay."

"Hmm."

"She'll take me back."

She gave him another playful look because it worked. They were slowly being themselves again. But then her smiled faded and they held each others gaze. Another moment. They were having another one of their moments and she can't help but know what he's thinking and she can't help but think it either. But this can't happen, not after the conversation they just had.

"Kate?"

"Yeah."

"I understand everything you said. But just this once can I do something? I promise we can forget about it afterwards but please just let me do this."

"Yeah Castle. What? What is it?" She asked honestly confused.

Castle stood up from his swing and stood directly in front of her. Slowly he brought his hands up to her face and rested his palms on her cheeks. Never waving his gaze from her eyes, he gently stroke a lock of hair behind her ear. Keeping his hand placed on the back of her neck he slowly brought his lips down to touch hers.

It was slow and sweet and it just felt..._right_. It wasn't heated or passionate. It was like he was reassuring himself that he does feel that connection between them and its not all in his head.

She was trying with all her might not to touch him. She had to put her hands on the metal chains of the swing to stop herself from putting her fingers through his hair.

This kiss was full of potential and silent promises. Which they both needed. When he finally broke it he whispered "thank you" in her ear before stepping away.

"Come on. Lets get that report," he said walking away.

"Yeah. These walls definitely need to come down," she said when he was out of ear shot.

**You see that review button? You should hit it...please? It would make my day...**


	2. Chapter 2

She's had to admit that she did enjoy the kiss. No she loved it. Although it went against everything she just explained to him she wouldn't take it back. It was much different than their first kiss but the same. She still had that urge to kiss him again when he broke it off but she knew she couldn't do that. It would send the wrong message. But at least now she knows it's real and that they really do have a connection. Attraction was never a problem.

He kept his promise though, he is acting as if it never happened. And a part of her is grateful for that but another part, probably the romantic part, wants him to kiss her senseless all the time now. Kiss her everyday to let her know she's working up to it, that she's a step closer from being where she wants to be, where she needs to be. She wants that, she wants him but she can't have him yet. She's not ready.

She's been working on the case non-stop and it's only her second day back. She can feel herself slipping more and more with each passing second. But she's holding on because she needs to finish this she wants to be finished this. It's not about justice anymore. It's about being free and finally being able to move on with her life. So she can finally be happy.

And he's helping her, every step of the way he's helping her. Even when she doesn't have the strength just seeing him fight for this just as bad as her makes her fight harder. She won't let this tare her down, at least not while he's here.

They're at her place right now and she's tired. She's been on edge all day and she can feel herself slowly losing control.

She's pacing around her apartment trying to think straight. The movement helps her think helps her stay alert and focused.

"This guys got multiple citations for valor, commendations from the mayor. He's literally saved dozens of people from burning buildings. It's hard to believe this guys dirty."

"Yeah well we've been surprised before," she said sharply.

"Okay. Um...does he intersect with anyone else in the case? Montgomery, Raglan, McCallister?"

"No. There's nothing in the files," she answered shaking her head still pacing. "Might have known them socially."

"But we've been over their lives with a fine tooth comb. He's never come up once."

"Okay, so maybe he was a target of opportunity. He might have needed the money," she was getting slightly agitated.

"Nothing in his financial records to indicate any problems. And given his record he's..." He didn't want to finish because he knows how she'll react to it. He doesn't want her to get worked up.

"Given his record what?" She asked stopping in her tracks. If she's not pacing then she won't be able to keep her emotions in check.

"I'm just saying what if he's not out guy? What the fire really was an accident?"

"It wasn't an accident I know it wasn't an accident."

"You can't know that."

"I can because if this was an accident then I've got nowhere to start," she yelled. "If this was an accident then I've got nothing!" She continued spirally down while tears slowly formed in her eyes. "The guy who shot me is gone. Dick Coonan gone. Hal Lockwood gone. Montgomery gone. My mom. Everybody is gone Castle!"

She didn't mean to have yelled at him like that. It's just...he didn't get it. She needed to let it out and the last person she wanted to release it to was Castle. She didn't want to show her weakness but she's good at pretending things didn't happen.

She ran her fingers through her hair looked away from him. His pitiful gaze was too heavy on her. She didn't need pity she needs a lead. And him sitting there staring at her like this was too much and not helping. She was crumbling and he was the last person who needed to see it.

"Castle just go okay? I'll see you tomorrow."

He shook his head no and stood up. She was about to ask him what he was doing but before she could form the words his arms were around her pulling her in close. She wanted it. She wanted this hug and to bury herself into him so she could let it out but she couldn't. She wouldn't break with him here.

She tried to pull away but he held her tighter and when she started to fight against him he began speaking softly to her.

"Kate I know it seems like everyone who could possibly help you is gone. But that's not true. You still have the boys and your dad and you have me Kate. I'm not going anywhere I promise you that. When you're with me you don't have to hide. I know what's going on with you and I'm telling you now that you don't have to go through it alone. I'm here with you every step of the way."

With that she could no longer hold back. Her tears ran quickly and he sobs rang loudly but he didn't care. As long as she was letting it out. When she finally calmed down she lifted her face from his chest and loosened her grip on his shirt. His shirt was soaked through.

"I'm sorry Castle."

"Don't worry about it," he said resting his forehead against hers.

She brought her fingers to his face to gently caress his cheeks. Her thumb slightly traced over his lip and their eyes met. It only took both of them a second to react. They both leaned in and kissed each other. This kiss was much like the one at the swings. Slow sweet and full of promise.

"I thought we were gonna pretend it didn't happen," Castle said.

"I don't want to," when she saw his eyes light up she continued. "But I'm not ready yet. For a relationship."

"I get it. Just know that when you're ready I'm here. And I'm going to be here every-step-of-the-way. You hear me?"

She shook her head yes. Castle was going to be here he was going to help her. She needs to get better because she wants to be with this man. He keeps putting her first so she makes him her first priority. Everyday he helps her and everyday she heals a little more. They'll be together soon.

_Soon_


	3. Chapter 3

**I know what your thinking. What the hell took so long? I thought this was complete! **

**I'm sorry I couldn't help myself. But Thank you for the support on this guys. Every review, follow, and favorite makes me smile like an idiot. **

**This will be the last chapter.**

* * *

After Castle left that night Kate found herself spiraling again. What was it about him that just made her feel safe?

Might have to do with the number of times he's saved her life. Last night, being wrapped in his arms, she felt warm, at peace, like she was home. It was like she never faced this great tragedy. She felt free.

But when she said he had to go because Alexis might be mad if he missed dinner, she hoped he believed her. She just needed some space and she would hate herself if something happened between the two of them tonight. She's not ready for that quite yet.

He noticed that she's been tense lately and he doesn't want to add to that.

When he left she couldn't help but feel a little lonesome. They had just kissed for the second time. And...she said she didn't want to forget it...? Of course a part of her didn't really want him to leave but she can't hog him, he does have a family he needs to attend to.

Now she's jealous of Alexis and Martha.

As bad as she wants him here she doesn't want him here. Yes she's known him for three years now but she's still doesn't want him to see her at her worst. And since she's been shot her worst as been at night.

That's when the hallucinations start and she can physically feel the pain of the bullet burning its way into her chest. He can't see her like that. Not now not ever.

* * *

Of course, just like almost every other night for the past three months, she can't sleep. She's afraid to sleep because of what she might see.

_Montgomery dying. _

_Her dying. _

_Castle getting shot. _

_Nobody noticing her get shot. _

_Her killer looking her straight in the eye before he pulled the trigger. _

_Her pulling the trigger on herself. _

_Castle's "I love you."_

_Her never waking up._

_Lockwood finding her outside the hangar. _

_Her mother pulling the trigger. _

_Her father drinking again. _

It's always the same things. And she wouldn't be able to handle it if Castle saw her this way. So to clear her head she dressed and went into the precinct early.

She's writing in her case file. She doesn't know how long she's been here, just knows that it was dark when she came and now the sun is up.

She fights looking at Castle's chair because she knows where that line of thinking will lead her. So she forces herself to focus because she needs to close this case.

It's no longer her mothers justice anymore. It's her justice from the man who shot her. From the man who took her life away. All her happiness and joy. She wants that justice so she can finally move on and be happy like she yearns to be.

She's frustrated that she can't find another lead. She can't figure out how Rod Halstead is connected to Montgomery, raglan, and McCalister. That's when she sees the coffee come up in front of her face.

She smiles weakly because she knows who it is and she also knows that when he hands her her coffee first without saying anything the conversation is going to be serious. And she knows what he's going to say.

But shouldn't he understand by now that she's doing this for him too? For them?

"Thanks," she said taking a sip and setting it down.

He took a brief moment before speaking. "Do you remember what you told me the first time I brought up your mothers case? That if you got started again, you wouldn't stop. You said it would probably destroy...

"I didn't have any leads then," she said cutting him off hopefully shutting him up. Maybe he'll understand. "I didn't have any leads then" just may mean "I didn't have a reason to fix myself until now."

"We don't have any now."

Ouch. He didn't get it. "Look, Castle, I got a little emotional last night. I'm-I'm fine." She tried to give him a fake smile but he saw right through it.

"No you're not. And you know you're not." Her smile faded. "You've been back here for three days, you're already in a free fall," she took a breath and looked away. "I'm not telling you to walk away, I'm just saying give it time. You know just until you get your bearings again."

"How am I supposed to get my bearings when someone out there wants me dead?" If I die then we won't ever have a chance to be together.

"By not letting them rob you of your life." He keeps speaking in his calm, soothing voice. Maybe it's that, that's driving her crazy right now. "I promise you we will figure this out. We're gonna find them and we're gonna make them pay. Just not today."

She didn't speak again right away. She was thinking about what he said and she couldn't help but think he was right. But she has to do this, she wants to be finished this. "Castle if I don't do this I don't know who I am."

"You are who you always were." She looked up and met his eyes for the first time and held there. "You're the one who honors the victims. You're the one who can bring Sonya's family some peace."

Another gaze and she can't help but think how good she's got it. She has a man here who loves her and wants nothing more but to keep her safe. And she gets that. But closing this case is something she _needs_ to do and even if its "not today" she won't give up on it. She longs for her freedom, her peace of mind, her happiness. And those are what she'll continue to strive for because at the end of that road Castle stands there waiting for her. And that's all she wants in the end.

So she squeezes his hand and gives him her look before Ryan and Esposito walk over. He gets it.

She lets out a breath she didn't know she was holding and speaks quietly again. "I remember."

He knows what she's talking about instantly. "You do?" He trying to speak as softly and surely as he was before but his voice is cracking.

"Yes. I didn't tell you i remembered because I wasn't ready. Im still not. But I want you to know that one day, when I'm better I'll say it back Castle."

He just smiled and squeezed her hand back. That's all he could ask for right now. She's a jumbled mess of emotions so he doesn't want to pry. So he settles on giving a quick but lingering kiss to the back of her hand. "Lets help Sonya." It's a promise.

She smiled.

She gets it.


End file.
